Relationship Advice

In the past month or so I’ve had 3 of my friends come to me with the exact same sob story.  All 3 times, I’ve given the same piece of advice.  I decided to put it in writing because I was starting to feel a bit like a broken record.  Despite what you may think, it doesn’t bug me when a fallen brother has to come over and vent about how much of a whore his ex-girlfriend is.

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Why doesn’t it bug me?  I live alone, have a big TV, a shit load of video games, a small drinking problem, and plenty of alcohol.  Its basically taking advantage of a situation where you don’t have to drink alone during the week.  Now onto the bullshit that started this whole rant.

I’ve been telling my buddy Nick to dump this whore girlfriend of his for months.  She was super hot and super young.  I knew from the start she was a little pig.  Of course he didn’t listen to me and a few months later I get a phone call from him telling me that hes engaged.  “Good job retard”, I thought to myself as I congratulated him.

A few weeks later he catches her cheating, indirectly.  Although he didn’t see her in the act, he did see a text message from her ex saying “I’ll be sure to shave down there before you come over” or something along those lines.  Trying not to laugh, I put on my serious face.  It was time to drop some knowledge about women…

All woman are whores.  The sooner you accept the fact that the girl you are dating, is probably getting fucked silly by at least 1 other guy, the sooner you stop giving a shit.  I know I’m going to get a hard time for this so I will explain.  When I say “all women are whores” I am just generalizing and I know there are a few small exceptions to the rule.  I failed statistics so I will not try to give you a percentage.  Instead, I will draw a small pie graph.

If you’re under 30 years old, why are you in a serious relationship anyway?  Serious relationships lead to marriage, marriage leads to divorce, divorce leads to you losing your house/car/dog.  Now I do know some old people who are still together after getting married at a young age and I tip my hat to them.  Those are rare exceptions.  I’d say the chances of two high school sweethearts staying together at this day in age are…umm…pretty fucking slim.

Seriously though.  Do you really want to marry the chick you’re with right now?  Lets fast forward 40+ years.  That’s the last axe wound your wiener will ever see for the rest of your life.  Then while shes on her death bed, and you can no longer get it up, she’ll hand you a list of how many dudes drilled her while you were away on buisness. 

Don’t you dare try to counter me with “but I love her” either.  Saying “I’m in love” is another way of saying “I’m a pussy”.  You can choose to play dumb or you can take it for what it is. 

This isn’t 1952 anymore and the modern day woman is becoming more and more like a man.  The only difference being that a man doesn’t have that same constant crave for attention.  Tell me the last girl you were with didn’t have a higher number of partners than you.  If she tells you a number less than 10, you do what I like to call “girl math”.  Just multiply that number by 3 and you’ll have a round a bout number of how many flesh rockets shes been stuffed by. 

Stop crying.  You’re chick is grinding up on random dudes at the bar while you’re at home playing xbox.  Once you’re at the point where you can tell yourself this without getting upset, you’ll be much happier in the long run. 

 If you do find that special someone, you can always hope for the best.  I say expect the worse.  You better be sure to get her 18 year old sisters number before you get too serious.  There’s nothing that says “fuck you” better to an ex, then a giant load on her little sisters stomach.

So there you have it.  Don’t expect much from the girl you’re in to.  If you do, you’ll end up wishing you listened to me.

Lastly, to all of the feminists who I may have offended.  Don’t bother emailing me because my response will be this generic image.

Weekend Video Vault – 3/29/08

My liver is upset and the burrito I gobbled down around 2:30am is not sitting well right now. That being said, its time to turn those hangover frowns upside down!

Adopting Matumbo…

How Not To Adopt a Child From Africa – Watch more free videos

Moron Rappells head 1st

Rappelling Off A Cliff Goes Bad – Watch more free videos

Ever watch ghost hunters? This footage hasn’t been seen

How Not to Haunt a House – Watch more free videos

Epic Commentating

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

This weeks Regretful Submission

Name: Rob

Age (at the time): 21

Profession (at the time): Student

Location: Dallas

Set the scene. Frat house

I don’t wear underwear.  I don’t know why I don’t, I just don’t.  I feel that boxers crawl up my ass crack and briefs smush my sack. 

It was the week before summer break.  We had been throwing keggers all weekend long at the frat house, and the brothers were inviting every sorority girl and bar tramp that they came across.  It was Saturday night and our house was packed.  I noticed a cute red head looking at me while I filled up my cup so I decided to chat her up.  Her name was Kristi, and she didn’t even go to our college.  She seemed nice though and looked like she fit in to the cute Sorority chick category.

Just as I start to hit it off with her, I hear my friend Jeff yell “we need to make a beer run”.  Everyone knows that even if you have the best party on campus, its going to empty out as soon as the booze runs dry.  He slapped me on the back and told me to come along.  I wasn’t thrilled at the fact but I wasn’t going to let him go alone since no one was stepping up.

After about 2 minutes of driving we realized that the liquor store was closed.  I start thinking that this wasn’t such a bad thing.  At least I had time to chat up Kristi some more.  Jeff did not share the same opinion on this.  We drove around for what seemed to be hours when Jeff suddenly slams the breaks on his F-150.  There, on the other side of the street was what looked like a couple of coolers and a plastic trashcan.  Towards the back of the house there seemed to be a lot going on, but the basketball court/parking garage area seemed to be deserted.

I’ve had beer stolen from me before and I was pissed, so I was hesitant to follow Jeff over to where the coolers were.  I mean, who knew what type of crowd was on the other side of the house?   I finally mustered up enough courage and jogged across the the street.  Sadly, the two coolers were basically empty.  A few cans of Bud Light in one and a couple of wine coolers in the other.  This wasn’t even worth the hoist.  Then I looked inside the trash can.  It was beautiful.  There inside a pile of melted ice was a king keg.  Jeff gave it a few pumps and flipped the nozzle.  A stream of non-foamy beer squirted out of the nozzle. 

We were both excited beyond words.  I ran to the side of the house to make sure no one was coming.  The sound of people splashing around in water reassured me that this was going to be like taking candy from a baby.  Both of us grabbed hold of the keg inside the trash can and attempted to lift.  This thing had to be a good 60 to 80 pounds and covered in melted ice water.  As we almost have the keg lifted out of the ice, the bottom of it catches the trash can sending it crashing to the concrete.  Ice and water spilled out over the court as we hobbled over to Jeff’s truck.

We pop the tailgate and start fumbling to get it loaded in the back.  We were struggling and I start to panic.  Just then I hear someone in the distance shout “who the fuck are those guys!?”  Jeff runs for the drivers seat and fires up his truck as I attempted to slam the tailgate.  The front of my pants caught on the top of the tailgate as I dove into the truck.  I heard a small rip, but this was a minor price to pay to the beer gods.  I look back surprised to see that the guys from the pool party had not even started chasing us.  I curled up into a ball hoping that no one caught a plate number.

We get back to the house and call a few guys over to help us with our score.  The button on my pants was completely ripped off so I needed someone else to carry the keg as I held my pants up.  Kristi was no where in site so I filled up my cup and plopped down on the couch.  I was exhausted from what we just went through so I don’t remember much more about the night.

The next morning I wake up on the couch to what I think is a killer BJ.  I look down in horror and let out a scream.  My half ripped jeans were somewhere around my knees and I had what appeared to be a poo like substance all over my junk.  The neighbor’s Jack Russell Terrier was licking this substance off of my junk, and behind him were about 8 people laughing their asses off.

I scrambled to get my jeans back on and took off out the door.  Later I was informed that I passed out half exposed on the couch.  At this site, some of the brothers decided to play a small prank involving peanut butter and the neighbors dog. 

I still shudder at the thought of seeing that dog, and some of my friends still call me by the nickname I was given “brown hog Rob”.

I think I’m turning into a pussy

I used to pride myself in how disgusting I was (or thought I was in this case).  I’ve had the internet since 1998.  Since then I’ve seen everything from gang bangs to fisting to gigantic zits being cut open as puss oozed out.  None of this stuff really phased me, and it often got book marked so that I could share it with friends.

In the past 6 months I’ve noticed that this is no longer the case.  It started with 2 girls 1 cup.  I’d seriously rather head butt a butcher knife before I sit through this video again.  I didn’t feel too bad once I started seeing the mass number of reaction videos though.

2 girls 1 cup was then followed up with the BME Pain Olympics.  Yet again, I was forced to look away.  My hat goes off to Joe Rogan who was able to watch the whole thing.

The BME Pain Olympics video was followed by 4 Girls Finger Painting (the sequel to the dreaded cup video).  I think I let this piece of video stream for about 15 seconds until my fingers started mashing the ALT F4 on my keyboard.

At first I thought that maybe the internet smut has surpassed me.  Could this new trend of videos that include shit, vomit, and self mutilation be so extreme that even a twisted guy like me can’t sit through them?

I was hoping that this was the case.  However, last week I rented Jackass 2.5.  I caught myself looking away yet again.  This time it was at the hands of Weeman.

When this little guy took a dump on Knoxville’s knee, I heard the Chinese food in my stomach say “turn the fuck away from the TV or I’m coming back up”.

Could these new extreme movies and twisted viral videos be too much for anyone to handle, or am I just turning into a pussy?

Weekend Video Vault

Bro Search part 1 and 2 – Im signing up as soon as the website is up!

Bro Search – Watch more free videos

Bro Search Part II – Watch more free videos

Roomate getting owned

Ipecac Vomit Prank – Watch more free videos

Another Roomate Owned

Pickup Lines at the Office?

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

We’ve moved

to  www.regretfulmorning.com

This weeks Regretful Submission

Name: Chris

Age (at the time): 28

Profession (at the time): Insurance

Location: Atlanta

Set the scene. My Apartment.

A female friend of mine introduced me to a girl who she said I might like.  I had not met this girl yet but we talked over the phone and she sent me a few pictures.  From what I could see in the grainy cell phone picture, she had a huge set of fun bags.  It also turned out that we shared some of the same interests.  When she mentioned that she enjoyed watching UFC, I began to think that this girl was too good to be true.

Never the less, there was a big pay per view coming up the following Saturday, so I asked if she would be interested in watching the fight at my place, over drinks and pizza.  This girl was bold.  Not only was she ready to have a few drinks, but she claimed that she could do more shots of Vodka than me at the same time.  She was an obvious keeper.

Saturday rolls around and I am making my last minute Vodka and Cranberry juice purchases.  I head back to my place and start to prepare for my guest.  I was pretty nervous.   Around 6pm I hear the door bell “Ding Dong”.  Since I was in the middle of crushing ice, I shouted for her to come in.  

Katie walks in and I turn to get my first look.  Walking toward my kitchen was something you may have seen in pro wrestling during the early 80’s.  This girl was about 5’7 and probably weighed in at a buck ninety.  I force a smile and greet her with a hug.  I am pretty quick to poor us a few shots, this night was not turning out the way I had planned.

I ordered us a meat lovers pizza from pizza hut as we did shots and waited for the fight to start.  For some reason Katie was much more annoying in person.  Usually I dig a girl with a southern drawl, but tonight it was more like nails on a chalk board.

The pizza arrives after the first few fights had already finished.  We were both starting to slur a bit, however I will not be beaten by a girl in a drinking contest, no matter how fat she is.  I was almost to that point of alcohol arousal when I realize she had polished off 2/3’s of the pizza by herself. 

I tried hard to convince myself that nailing this girl would put me in some sort of record book.  I focused on her tits; at least the cell phone picture didn’t lie about those.  I decided to keep drinking and play it by ear.

After some the usual drunken flirt session, we end up in my bedroom.  I had made up my mind that I was going to suck it up and tap that ass.  I mean, she did have F cups and I was in it for the bragging rights.  Let me explain.  I listened to this radio show out of New York called the Weters and Maeds show.  They challenged their listeners to find a girl with big tits to pose in a picture.  In that picture they either wanted the females to write their show name on their bosoms or simply have a sign with the name Weters and Maeds.  I figured that if I went through with bagging this Bison, the least she could do is let me snap a Polaroid from the neck down.

What happened next was probably a blessing in disguise.  As we get closer and closer to “doing the deed” she lets out a small burp.  The smells of semi digested meat lovers pizza and cranberry juice hit me.  This lead to me not being able to continue.  Thankfully, her eyes looked like they were also getting heavy and eventually we both pass out. 

The next morning I wake up next to who at first I think is sloth from the movie Goonies.  I was horrified.  I quickly get dressed and scramble for my camera.  I figured that I was at least going to get a picture of those hooters after the night I had just put myself through.  I wrote Weters and Maeds on a small sticky pad and went back to my bedroom.  Katie had already started getting dressed.  I told her to wait for one minute as I placed the sticky pad of paper on her monstrous tits.  Oddly enough, she did not object to me taking a picture either. 

We said our goodbyes and agreed that we would call each other.  I have not seen or heard from her since. 

Moral of the story: Don’t go on blind dates that were setup by other females.

Bye the way, I attached the picture just in case you don’t believe me about the F cups.