We laugh at your misfortune

Relationship Advice

In the past month or so I’ve had 3 of my friends come to me with the exact same sob story.  All 3 times, I’ve given the same piece of advice.  I decided to put it in writing because I was starting to feel a bit like a broken record.  Despite what you may think, it doesn’t bug me when a fallen brother has to come over and vent about how much of a whore his ex-girlfriend is.

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Why doesn’t it bug me?  I live alone, have a big TV, a shit load of video games, a small drinking problem, and plenty of alcohol.  Its basically taking advantage of a situation where you don’t have to drink alone during the week.  Now onto the bullshit that started this whole rant.

I’ve been telling my buddy Nick to dump this whore girlfriend of his for months.  She was super hot and super young.  I knew from the start she was a little pig.  Of course he didn’t listen to me and a few months later I get a phone call from him telling me that hes engaged.  “Good job retard”, I thought to myself as I congratulated him.

A few weeks later he catches her cheating, indirectly.  Although he didn’t see her in the act, he did see a text message from her ex saying “I’ll be sure to shave down there before you come over” or something along those lines.  Trying not to laugh, I put on my serious face.  It was time to drop some knowledge about women…

All woman are whores.  The sooner you accept the fact that the girl you are dating, is probably getting fucked silly by at least 1 other guy, the sooner you stop giving a shit.  I know I’m going to get a hard time for this so I will explain.  When I say “all women are whores” I am just generalizing and I know there are a few small exceptions to the rule.  I failed statistics so I will not try to give you a percentage.  Instead, I will draw a small pie graph.


If you’re under 30 years old, why are you in a serious relationship anyway?  Serious relationships lead to marriage, marriage leads to divorce, divorce leads to you losing your house/car/dog.  Now I do know some old people who are still together after getting married at a young age and I tip my hat to them.  Those are rare exceptions.  I’d say the chances of two high school sweethearts staying together at this day in age are…umm…pretty fucking slim.

Seriously though.  Do you really want to marry the chick you’re with right now?  Lets fast forward 40+ years.  That’s the last axe wound your wiener will ever see for the rest of your life.  Then while shes on her death bed, and you can no longer get it up, she’ll hand you a list of how many dudes drilled her while you were away on buisness. 

Don’t you dare try to counter me with “but I love her” either.  Saying “I’m in love” is another way of saying “I’m a pussy”.  You can choose to play dumb or you can take it for what it is. 

This isn’t 1952 anymore and the modern day woman is becoming more and more like a man.  The only difference being that a man doesn’t have that same constant crave for attention.  Tell me the last girl you were with didn’t have a higher number of partners than you.  If she tells you a number less than 10, you do what I like to call “girl math”.  Just multiply that number by 3 and you’ll have a round a bout number of how many flesh rockets shes been stuffed by. 

Stop crying.  You’re chick is grinding up on random dudes at the bar while you’re at home playing xbox.  Once you’re at the point where you can tell yourself this without getting upset, you’ll be much happier in the long run. 

 If you do find that special someone, you can always hope for the best.  I say expect the worse.  You better be sure to get her 18 year old sisters number before you get too serious.  There’s nothing that says “fuck you” better to an ex, then a giant load on her little sisters stomach.

So there you have it.  Don’t expect much from the girl you’re in to.  If you do, you’ll end up wishing you listened to me.

Lastly, to all of the feminists who I may have offended.  Don’t bother emailing me because my response will be this generic image.



March 31, 2008 - Posted by | Regretful's Blog | , , ,


  1. Well said

    Comment by Matt | March 31, 2008 | Reply

  2. The less you ever expect, the happy you’ll be, for sure. In fact, a girl’s much more likely to be faithful to you (and eager to please overall) if you don’t seem to care. It’s part of the whole attention craving thing.

    Comment by .45 | March 31, 2008 | Reply

  3. […] topic came up again.  Luckily one of my friends had a sidekick so I told them to pull up my relationship advice blog and read it.  I really didn’t feel like explaining why women were whores at a high […]

    Pingback by » Blog Archive » Relationship Advice Part 2 | April 3, 2008 | Reply

  4. You couldnt be more right my brother. I see marriage as a demented self demoralizing act that effects not only the poor mutha fucker gettin hemed up but his buddies as well. Think about the friend of yours that got married…..when was the last time you actually enjoyed hanging out with him, or for that matter GOT to hang out with him. Its bullshit!!! Not until about 6 years after they have been married does he start to realize that he really fucked his life up and starts trying to think of excuses to come hang out again and by that time you dont even know the guy. He will sit and bitch about his shitty relationship to all of his friends and as a good friend all your response should be is “dump that fucking whore” For some reason society deems it neccassary to get married, start a family, go up. Well I am not having it my friend. I am not getting married so that one day 5 years down the line I can have the privelage of sharing all my shit and half of my income to some dumb bitch that i used to like to fuck. Well bro that is all I have to say right now but rest assured there is more to com from this guy.

    Comment by jason | April 24, 2008 | Reply

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