Regretfulmorning.com

We laugh at your misfortune

Regretful Submission – The latina who needed hygiene’a

Name: TenX

Age (at the time): Early 20’s

Profession (at the time): DirecTV Rep

Location: So Cal

So I’d just gotten out of school, and still trying to figure out what the hell I was going to use my degree for. Wound up getting a job selling DirecTV (aka the shit sales job). It’s easy, basically, people would call you and ask questions, you’d answer them and proceed to hook them up with the most expensive package known to man. It was commission-based anyway, so besides hooking my friends up with $8.99 single satellite systems,  I’d basically to do my best to make sure you wound up with everything I could sell you. This was particularly easy among females because I have a really deep voice, and when it comes to me eating and you losing money, #1 wins every time.

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May 1, 2008 Posted by | Regretful Stories | , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Regretful Submission – Fat Girl = New Bed

This story comes to us from a guy who has done 2 tours in Iraq.  Ooooorah! 

Name: J.W.

Age (at the time): Early 20’s

Profession (at the time): Student

Ok so here is one for all you jerkoffs that go around saying that they would never fuck a fat chick.  Here I am in 2003 freshman in college, and fresh out of a tour in Iraq.  I am fucking everything that I can get remotely close to my meat stick, and up to this point they have all been worthy of stuffing my cock in.

Well on the night of this incident I was out with some buddies who are some champion pussy ropers.  We go out to this bar for some karaoke and just some general good times to start the night, with no intention of pulling anything out of this bar. 

If you were to see this bar you would understand why. I will paint a picture for ya.  Imagine a bar that was built about 70 years ago and has not been renovated or built onto since.  Loggers in full logger garb from the nearby lumber mill are the main clientele.  So you can imagine the type of chicks that hang in here.  Thus, a good reason not to hook up with any of them.

Here I am (a few shots and 8 or so beers along) when this chick starts looking my way.  She looks pretty good in the low light from where I am standing.  Of course she is sitting down so I cant really tell how big this chick is.  Well a few more shots and a couple beers later she decides to come over and ask me for a light.  I light her up and she starts up a conversation. 

One thing leads to another and the next thing I know I am playing a game of pool with her.  Now I have a thing for big tits…luv em, and she keeps bending over and these things are about to jump out of whatever slutty shirt she was wearing.

Well to kinda hurry this along my buddies see what filthy things are about to happen to me so they take off and leave me at the mercy of this fat ass.  She was about 5ft 9in and pushing about 180.

So the bar closes down, I pile into my car, and we head to my house.  Yeah yeah I know never bring a fat chick to your own house.  I was drunk what can I say.  We get upstairs and I start in on this bitch.  I feel like one of the old time buffalo hunters skinning a prize kill.

So as I am piling this girl up on my old ass bed when mid stroke, the fucking bed breaks.  No shit the mattress goes right through the frame on one side.  Now a lesser man may have stopped right there, but not this fuckin champ.  I kept going on this lopsided bed until I had finished. 

I woke up in the morning wondering what the fuck happened to my bed the night before, and then it hits me.  So I tell this filthy whore (who had not left) that I have to go work out, and that she needs to get her fat ass out from under my covers and into my car so I can drop her off. 

During the drive I brought up the thought of her buying me a new bed frame…..(that didn’t go over so well)  So I had to buy a new one myself.  Hey I needed a new bed anyway right?

fat-chick.jpg

I think the Moral here is:  When you need to buy a need bed, have a fat filthy sloth completely break your old one first? 

April 26, 2008 Posted by | Regretful Stories | , , , | 2 Comments

Regretful Submission – Ping Pong Pus…

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Name: Jacob

Age (at the time): 22

Profession (at the time): student

Location: Thailand

Set the scene. Strip club in Thailand

My girlfriend and I were taking a trip to Thailand for vacation.  We were supposed to meet up with some friends that we knew once we got there.  If you have never been to Thailand, you need to make the trip at least once.  I would recommend that you do not bring your girlfriend though.

Let me start by saying; this is something that I witnessed, not something that happened to me directly.

After a few days of site seeing we met up with my buddy Sven and his sister.  Sven and I really wanted to check out some of those famous Thai strip clubs that we’ve heard so much about.  We soon realized that this was going to be much harder than we anticipated.  I was not about to ask my girlfriend to enter a whore house and Sven did not live in a trailer park.  So him asking his sister to convince my girlfriend to go, was also out of the picture.

On our last night in Thailand the 4 of us went out to dinner.  After dinner the girls were tired and wanted to call it a night.  Sven and I saw this as a perfect opportunity to have one last hurrah before we left.

The 4 of us headed back to the hotel where Sven then said “Hey Jacob I’m not quite tired yet, do you want to walk around for awhile”.  I looked at my girlfriend to get her reaction.  Her gaze was blank so I said “Ya man you don’t wanna be walking around here at night by yourself.”

The following sequence of events are a bit blurry, but I do remember that we ended up in a pretty filthy strip club/whore house type of place.  The girls who got up on stage did not do the typical song and dance when it was their turn.  This was more like a talent show combined with front seat peep n’ greet.

Then a girl hops up on stage who could not have passed the height test at a Magic Mountain roller coaster.  Next to her was a small cup with about 5 ping pong balls inside.

This dirty birdy proceeded to place ping pong balls in her fun hole, whilst spread eagle, and launch them across the stage.  This made me howl with laughter and clap.  She then pointed her high powered cooter in our direction and blasted a ball our way.  Sven was going crazy.  “Again Again!” he kept saying.  Right as he leans for his drink, the circus freak blasted a ball right toward him.

POW!  Direct hit.  Sven took a ping pong ball right to the face.  We were losing it.  After a fun filled night we headed back to the motel for some zzzzz’s. 

The next day at breakfast Sven looked like he had been in a fist fight.  His eye was red and he could not stop rubbing it.  We suspected that he may have picked up pink eye so we kept our distance.

Two weeks later we are all back home.  Sven still had the red eye, and decided to see a doctor.  From what I understand, the doctor said that Sven somehow got Herpes in his eye.

This was almost 8 years ago and I don’t talk to Sven anymore.  What I do know is that he now has herpes in his fucking eye, and he got it from a filthy Thai snatch that could projectile ping pong balls.

Yes Thailand was cool but I would recommend you strap on a set of ski goggles before entering the whore houses.

April 23, 2008 Posted by | Regretful Stories | , , , , | Leave a comment

Regretful Submission – Shit sheets Kevin

Name: Kevin

Age (at the time): 29

Profession (at the time): Construction Supervisor

Location: Saint Paul

We had just finished a fairly large job so I decided to take a handful of my co-workers out for drinks. Things were winding down and I was about to call it a night when a group of obnoxious drunk girls came stumbling in.  One was trying to shoot pool and fell on her ass, while the other 2 girls cackled like Hyenas.

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That’s when Kristen came over and introduced herself in a very lady like way…

“Hey guys!  Do you know how much skin it takes to cover the head of a penis”?

Dumbfounded we all sort of just looked at each other.  Before we get a chance to speak she says:

“About this much!” and stuck out her tongue.

We all laughed and she went back to her table with the rest of the ladies who had not stopped cackling.

I then made one of the worst judgement calls of my life.  Feeling a bit buzzed I went over to their table and insisted that they come have a drink with us. 

A few pitchers of beer later I decided again that it was time to go.  This time Kristen asked me if she could get a ride home.  Apparently her friends were being slutty and she just wanted to get out of there.

Three minutes into the drive Kristen explains to me that her house is very hard to find in the dark.  Taking that as my Que I let her know she could stay the night at my place and I would take her home early.

We get to my place and I mix up a couple of screw drivers.  Before I know it we’re in my bedroom doing the deed.  I kept telling myself to reach for the condom bowl but I was wasted.  Thankfully I didn’t last long and was able to successfully place my DNA on her stomach.

We both passed out not saying much.  We were both super hammered.  Around 4am I awake to a foul smell, and Kristen is no where in site.  I look over at her side of the bed and see a giant brown spot.  This makes me gag and I hurl myself into the laundry room.  Here I see Kristin in a towel over the washing machine. 

 Me “What the fuck is going on here”

Kristen “I had an accident”

Me “Jesus Christ”

I planted myself on the couch where I pass out until about 11am.  Kristen was no where in site and my bed was stripped.  I could not believe that I just had intercourse with someone who left a mud painting on my bed. 

Over a week goes by and still no word from Kristen (thankfully).  My mom had come by to drop off some tools that I let her borrow.  I told her to place everything in the laundry room and I would sort it later.  Then I hear my mom shriek

“Kevin what in gods name is…”

I ran to the laundry room only to see my mom holding up a pair of panties with a coat hanger.  The panties were brown and covered in dry shit.  They were also completely stiff. 

My mom looked at me in shock and said “what in the hell kinda girls are you bringing here”.

I’ve never been more ashamed in my life.

April 11, 2008 Posted by | Regretful Stories | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

This weeks Regretful Submission

Name: Rob

Age (at the time): 25

Profession (at the time): Golf Course Maint

Location: Tampa

Set the scene. Friend of a friends vacation house in S.Carolina

I got talked in to taking a road trip up to South Carolina a few summers ago.  My friend Matt’s old college roommate invited him up the coast to his dad’s new vacation house.  This guys dad was pretty loaded.  He had sold his company and pretty much spent all of his time going on vacations with a girl that was young enough to be his daughter.  Matt told me that this was just one of two vacation homes that he owned and it came with the works.  Lake front view, fishing boat, jet ski’s etc.  This got me excited and I was ready to commit.

We loaded the coolers and hit the road.  This was pretty uneventful but we made damn good time.  I drove for the first half and Matt did the rest.  Four wrong turns and one twelve pack later we finally found our way to the house.

I was under the assumption that there would only be a handful of us at the house for a weekend of boating and fishing.  Upon pulling into the gravel driveway, I thought to myself this was no longer the case.  There were about 10 cars parked on the side of the road and people with beer cups standing around.  We grabbed our bags and headed inside where we eventually met up with the Derrek (Matt’s roommate and the son of the guy who owned the house).  He explained that the house usually gets packed like this on weekends, much like that movie “Weekend at Bernie’s”.

I quickly grabbed a cup and began to mingle.  I don’t remember much of that night but I’m sure it was a blast.

The next day the 3 of us load into the boat for some fishing on the lake.  Derrek explained that we would probably have a big crowd at the house again tonight, but would need to keep it more low key.  His dad and girlfriend would be arriving and probably didn’t want their house full of drunk college kids that night.  We didn’t catch any fish that day but some girls in a boat buzzed passed us flashing their goods.  This made my day.

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Around 9pm we were all out on the deck when the house started to fill up.  Derrek’s dad was no where in site so we figured he may arrive in the morning instead.  This was a bit of a relief to me because it meant I wouldn’t have to keep my composure.  Then shit started getting crazy…

I remember seeing a fist fight, topless girls kissing, and some douche bag jumping off of the roof all within 15 minutes of each other.  I headed back to the room where I was staying.  I had some AC/DC cd’s in my bag and I was getting tired of listening to the top 40 garbage they had been playing all night.

This is where I spotted Kim.  She looked like she was a bit older than me, maybe even mid 30’s but she was as hot as they come.  She wasn’t dressed like the other girls either.  She had the “I just got out of a business meeting and now I’m ready to fuck” look.  We started talking about music when I told her I wanted to spice up the current play list.  This girl knew her shit.  She even argued the point that Led Zeppelin was better drinking music than AC/DC.

I went to the kitchen and grabbed us a few more beers so we could continue our music discussion.  Kim looked at the beer I handed to her, laughed, and said “hold on”.  She came back with a bottle of Tequila, lime juice, a salt shaker, and two plastic cups.  This was the most fun I’ve ever had doing shots! 

Then I asked her if she had ever done body shots.  With a smirk she said “Do they go anything like this”?  We both did a shot when she squirted the lime juice in my mouth, grabbed my head, and kissed me.  From there it was lights out.  If I didn’t know any better I could have swore I was at the bottom of a Burger King ball pit.  She was scratching and biting like a first grader.  It was still great and I would do it all over again in a heart beat.

The next day I wake up to Matt telling me to come eat breakfast.  I head over to the kitchen where I see Derrek and his dad already eating.  Apparently he had slipped in last night and I didn’t even notice.  I introduce myself and sit down for some awesome looking pancakes.

Then I hear Derrek’s dad say “Hi hun, have you met Derrek’s friends”?  I turn to my left, only to find Kim looking at me.  I was horrified.  I played dumb after introducing myself and kept my head down.  I thought that Derrek’s dad would pull a shotgun on me any minute.  6 hours ago I was raw dogging the hosts girlfriend, and now I was eating breakfast with the both of them. 

It was definitely one of my craziest nights.  Luckily everyone was oblivious to what had happened until I told Matt the story on our drive home.

April 1, 2008 Posted by | Regretful Stories | 3 Comments

This weeks Regretful Submission

Name: Rob

Age (at the time): 21

Profession (at the time): Student

Location: Dallas

Set the scene. Frat house

I don’t wear underwear.  I don’t know why I don’t, I just don’t.  I feel that boxers crawl up my ass crack and briefs smush my sack. 

It was the week before summer break.  We had been throwing keggers all weekend long at the frat house, and the brothers were inviting every sorority girl and bar tramp that they came across.  It was Saturday night and our house was packed.  I noticed a cute red head looking at me while I filled up my cup so I decided to chat her up.  Her name was Kristi, and she didn’t even go to our college.  She seemed nice though and looked like she fit in to the cute Sorority chick category.

Just as I start to hit it off with her, I hear my friend Jeff yell “we need to make a beer run”.  Everyone knows that even if you have the best party on campus, its going to empty out as soon as the booze runs dry.  He slapped me on the back and told me to come along.  I wasn’t thrilled at the fact but I wasn’t going to let him go alone since no one was stepping up.

After about 2 minutes of driving we realized that the liquor store was closed.  I start thinking that this wasn’t such a bad thing.  At least I had time to chat up Kristi some more.  Jeff did not share the same opinion on this.  We drove around for what seemed to be hours when Jeff suddenly slams the breaks on his F-150.  There, on the other side of the street was what looked like a couple of coolers and a plastic trashcan.  Towards the back of the house there seemed to be a lot going on, but the basketball court/parking garage area seemed to be deserted.

I’ve had beer stolen from me before and I was pissed, so I was hesitant to follow Jeff over to where the coolers were.  I mean, who knew what type of crowd was on the other side of the house?   I finally mustered up enough courage and jogged across the the street.  Sadly, the two coolers were basically empty.  A few cans of Bud Light in one and a couple of wine coolers in the other.  This wasn’t even worth the hoist.  Then I looked inside the trash can.  It was beautiful.  There inside a pile of melted ice was a king keg.  Jeff gave it a few pumps and flipped the nozzle.  A stream of non-foamy beer squirted out of the nozzle. 

We were both excited beyond words.  I ran to the side of the house to make sure no one was coming.  The sound of people splashing around in water reassured me that this was going to be like taking candy from a baby.  Both of us grabbed hold of the keg inside the trash can and attempted to lift.  This thing had to be a good 60 to 80 pounds and covered in melted ice water.  As we almost have the keg lifted out of the ice, the bottom of it catches the trash can sending it crashing to the concrete.  Ice and water spilled out over the court as we hobbled over to Jeff’s truck.

We pop the tailgate and start fumbling to get it loaded in the back.  We were struggling and I start to panic.  Just then I hear someone in the distance shout “who the fuck are those guys!?”  Jeff runs for the drivers seat and fires up his truck as I attempted to slam the tailgate.  The front of my pants caught on the top of the tailgate as I dove into the truck.  I heard a small rip, but this was a minor price to pay to the beer gods.  I look back surprised to see that the guys from the pool party had not even started chasing us.  I curled up into a ball hoping that no one caught a plate number.

We get back to the house and call a few guys over to help us with our score.  The button on my pants was completely ripped off so I needed someone else to carry the keg as I held my pants up.  Kristi was no where in site so I filled up my cup and plopped down on the couch.  I was exhausted from what we just went through so I don’t remember much more about the night.

The next morning I wake up on the couch to what I think is a killer BJ.  I look down in horror and let out a scream.  My half ripped jeans were somewhere around my knees and I had what appeared to be a poo like substance all over my junk.  The neighbor’s Jack Russell Terrier was licking this substance off of my junk, and behind him were about 8 people laughing their asses off.

I scrambled to get my jeans back on and took off out the door.  Later I was informed that I passed out half exposed on the couch.  At this site, some of the brothers decided to play a small prank involving peanut butter and the neighbors dog. 

I still shudder at the thought of seeing that dog, and some of my friends still call me by the nickname I was given “brown hog Rob”.

Humor blogs

March 27, 2008 Posted by | Regretful Stories | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

This weeks Regretful Submission

Name: Chris

Age (at the time): 28

Profession (at the time): Insurance

Location: Atlanta

Set the scene. My Apartment.

A female friend of mine introduced me to a girl who she said I might like.  I had not met this girl yet but we talked over the phone and she sent me a few pictures.  From what I could see in the grainy cell phone picture, she had a huge set of fun bags.  It also turned out that we shared some of the same interests.  When she mentioned that she enjoyed watching UFC, I began to think that this girl was too good to be true.

Never the less, there was a big pay per view coming up the following Saturday, so I asked if she would be interested in watching the fight at my place, over drinks and pizza.  This girl was bold.  Not only was she ready to have a few drinks, but she claimed that she could do more shots of Vodka than me at the same time.  She was an obvious keeper.

Saturday rolls around and I am making my last minute Vodka and Cranberry juice purchases.  I head back to my place and start to prepare for my guest.  I was pretty nervous.   Around 6pm I hear the door bell “Ding Dong”.  Since I was in the middle of crushing ice, I shouted for her to come in.  

Katie walks in and I turn to get my first look.  Walking toward my kitchen was something you may have seen in pro wrestling during the early 80’s.  This girl was about 5’7 and probably weighed in at a buck ninety.  I force a smile and greet her with a hug.  I am pretty quick to poor us a few shots, this night was not turning out the way I had planned.

I ordered us a meat lovers pizza from pizza hut as we did shots and waited for the fight to start.  For some reason Katie was much more annoying in person.  Usually I dig a girl with a southern drawl, but tonight it was more like nails on a chalk board.

The pizza arrives after the first few fights had already finished.  We were both starting to slur a bit, however I will not be beaten by a girl in a drinking contest, no matter how fat she is.  I was almost to that point of alcohol arousal when I realize she had polished off 2/3’s of the pizza by herself. 

I tried hard to convince myself that nailing this girl would put me in some sort of record book.  I focused on her tits; at least the cell phone picture didn’t lie about those.  I decided to keep drinking and play it by ear.

After some the usual drunken flirt session, we end up in my bedroom.  I had made up my mind that I was going to suck it up and tap that ass.  I mean, she did have F cups and I was in it for the bragging rights.  Let me explain.  I listened to this radio show out of New York called the Weters and Maeds show.  They challenged their listeners to find a girl with big tits to pose in a picture.  In that picture they either wanted the females to write their show name on their bosoms or simply have a sign with the name Weters and Maeds.  I figured that if I went through with bagging this Bison, the least she could do is let me snap a Polaroid from the neck down.

What happened next was probably a blessing in disguise.  As we get closer and closer to “doing the deed” she lets out a small burp.  The smells of semi digested meat lovers pizza and cranberry juice hit me.  This lead to me not being able to continue.  Thankfully, her eyes looked like they were also getting heavy and eventually we both pass out. 

The next morning I wake up next to who at first I think is sloth from the movie Goonies.  I was horrified.  I quickly get dressed and scramble for my camera.  I figured that I was at least going to get a picture of those hooters after the night I had just put myself through.  I wrote Weters and Maeds on a small sticky pad and went back to my bedroom.  Katie had already started getting dressed.  I told her to wait for one minute as I placed the sticky pad of paper on her monstrous tits.  Oddly enough, she did not object to me taking a picture either. 

We said our goodbyes and agreed that we would call each other.  I have not seen or heard from her since. 

Moral of the story: Don’t go on blind dates that were setup by other females.

Bye the way, I attached the picture just in case you don’t believe me about the F cups.

F Cups

March 18, 2008 Posted by | Regretful Stories | Leave a comment