Regretfulmorning.com

We laugh at your misfortune

Fat drunk chicks can make a boring night fun

Our favorite bar was packed, it was after 12am, and we wanted to drink.  We made a judgement call to try the place next door.  Dan grabs us a table right near the entrance and we proceed to get wasted.  I’m thinking to myself this will probably be an uneventful Friday night…then I see “her”.

Some chick dressed in a 70’s outfit is stumbling, dancing, and making out with every single thing that she barrels in to.  Maybe this new bar wasn’t such a bad idea!

What is it about alcohol that makes fat, rhythmless chicks think they can dance?   I took some quick cell phone footage of her dancing in the entrance.  A small line had formed outside, but no one had the balls to push her out of the way.

Drunk Chick – Watch more free videos

Events that take place after this: 

Dan and I convince fat chick to make out with Adam.  We tell Adam that the girl he just kissed has STD’s, and made out with 7 guys before him.  Adam panics and begins washing his mouth out with shots of Vodka.  Tori gives stalker guy her phone number.  We get Adam out of the bar when he starts yelling.  Dan pulls Adam away from cab after Adam says “I’ll fucking kill you” for no reason to the driver.  I take Tori home while Dan sits with Adam for a few minutes in the parking lot.  I get home and receive the following text:

From: Adam 

Dude Im playin chicken with thense mosfos!

Apparently Dan felt Adam was OK to drive.  No worries, the following chat session proves he made it home.

[21:47] RegretfulMorn: will u get mad
[21:47] RegretfulMorn: if i write about you kissing that drunk bitch
[21:47] RegretfulMorn: on regretful morning
[21:48] Adam: Lol
[21:48] Adam: Don’t use my name
[21:48] RegretfulMorn: theres a million adams
[21:49] Adam: You don’t change the names?
[21:49] Adam: You gonna make me look bad?
[21:49] RegretfulMorn: I wingman’d that fat piece of shit for you, the least you could do is let me make a post
[21:49] Adam: Lol
[21:50] RegretfulMorn: I’ll take that as a yes, I got some good pics I’ll show you in a min
[21:50] Adam: She wasn’t that fat….she was fuckin drunk tho
[21:51] RegretfulMorn: I didnt add those dimples on her thighs with photoshop

[22:10] Adam: Oh and I have antiseptic mouthwash in my car…when I drove home I gargled and spit in the street
[22:13] RegretfulMorn: hahaha

April 14, 2008 Posted by | Regretful's Blog | , , | 3 Comments

Relationship Advice Part 2

attention20whore3lm9.jpg

So some buddies and I went drinking the other night and the whole cheating whore topic came up again.  Luckily one of my friends had a sidekick so I told them to pull up my relationship advice blog and read it.  I really didn’t feel like explaining why women were whores at a high decibel, especially since we had a few tramps eye balling us within spitting distance.  I may be an ass sometimes, but I’m not dumb.

So my buddies read the article via sidekick and I felt it was time to move on.  My balls weren’t going to lick themselves and I still saw the two tramps giving us glances.  Just as I’m about to head in their direction one of my buddies begins to speak…  He then asked me the most common, yet retarded question of all time.  Every guy asks this question at one point in their life.  The conversation went something like this.

“So I get that all woman are whores but how come they always go for the asshole?”

 Me (in shock) “Are you kidding me right now with that?”

It was time yet again to drop knowledge like a sledgehammer.  I think Dick Masterson said it best when he explained “You can’t be mad at a dog for wagging his tail and knocking over your drink, just like you can’t be mad at a woman for being a woman.”  I’m not sure if that’s the exact quote but its close.  If you scour through his website (www.menarebetterthanwomen.com) I’m sure you’ll find it.

Back to my point.  The term asshole (when women are describing guys) is short for “the guy that doesn’t pay attention to me”.  If I were to follow a girl around spitting in her face, then yes I would be a true asshole.  However, if I were to ignore the girl that I was dating (ie: not return a text, phone call, or email) I would not consider myself an asshole.  I would consider myself someone who had something more important to do. 

This is really easy enough for a second grader to understand.  If you do not show a girl attention, she will be more attracted to you.  You don’t have to treat her like dirt, or piss in her face either.  Make time for her on your terms, (like when you want to get laid) not hers (like when she wants to go out for dinner).  Again, this is not being an asshole, its you making time when its convenient for you.

Lets check this out from the flip side.  You give a girl the attention she wants (take her to dinner, buy her things, answer your phone the second she calls).  Quickly she will notice that she gets attention from you whenever she wants it.  This will lead to her becoming bored.  She will then have you by the balls and start chasing after another guy who does not give her the attention that you do.  Do these excuses sound familiar?  Last minute ‘case of the flu’, ‘relative in town’, and ‘extremely tired’ are just another way of her saying “This other guy who never gives me the time of day is actually going to let me come over so he can fuck me silly”.

I’ve grown fond of drawing graphs in paint, so I made another one.dumbchicks.jpg

As shown in the figure above:  When the black line that demonstrates attention begins to raise, you will see the interest from the female begin to fall.

Yea it sucks, deal with it.  Learn to give less attention and you will go from the chaser to being chased.  When you think its time to drop guard, don’t.  Women don’t use logic.  You don’t have to name call or get pissed.  Just feel sorry for them and their inferior ability to determine whats good. 

You’re welcome.

Side note:  I really need to stop giving these motivational speeches when I’m trying to pull girls.  It gets the guys far too amped up, and they will become cock blocks by accident.

April 3, 2008 Posted by | Regretful's Blog | , , , , | 7 Comments

Relationship Advice

In the past month or so I’ve had 3 of my friends come to me with the exact same sob story.  All 3 times, I’ve given the same piece of advice.  I decided to put it in writing because I was starting to feel a bit like a broken record.  Despite what you may think, it doesn’t bug me when a fallen brother has to come over and vent about how much of a whore his ex-girlfriend is.

.ae_table_horiz { width:auto; height:auto; background-color:#FFFFFF; }
.ae_td_horiz,.ae_image_td_horiz { padding-bottom: 4px; padding-top: 4px; padding-left: 3px; padding-right: 3px; vertical-align:top; }
.ae_image_td_vert, .ae_image_td_horiz { text-align:right; padding-top:4px; padding-bottom:4px; padding-right: 4px; }
.ae_image_td_sky { text-align:left; padding-top:4px; padding-bottom:0px; padding-right: 0px; }
.ae_bb_td_horiz { padding-bottom: 4px; padding-top: 4px; padding-left: 3px; padding-right: 3px; vertical-align:top; }
A.ae_title_horiz, A.ae_image_link_horiz {font-family: Verdana,Sans-Serif; font-size: 18px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; font-variant: normal; text-transform: none; color: #FFFFFF; text-decoration: None; }
.ae_desc_horiz {font-family: Verdana,Sans-Serif; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-variant: normal; text-transform: none; color: #000000; }
.ae_click_count_horiz {font-family: Verdana,Sans-Serif; font-size: 10px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-variant: normal; text-transform: none; color: None; }
A.ae_powered_horiz {font-family: Verdana,Sans-Serif; font-size: 10px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-variant: normal; text-transform: none; color: #FFFFFF; text-decoration: None; }
A.ae_yourlink_horiz {font-family: Verdana,Sans-Serif; font-size: 10px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; font-variant: normal; text-transform: none; color: #FFFFFF; text-decoration: None; }
A.ae_title_horiz:hover, A.ae_powered_horiz:hover, A.ae_yourlink_horiz:hover, A.ae_image_link_horiz:hover { color: blue; text-decoration: Underline;}
.ae_image_horiz { border-width:1px; border-color:#FFFFFF;}

adengage_num_ads = 2;
adengage_layout_type = “horiz”;
adengage_show_your_ad_here = 1;
adengage_yourlink_text = “See your link here”;
adengage_show_powered_by = 0;
adengage_show_click_count = 0;
adengage_class_suffix = adengage_layout_type;
adengage_arrow_text = “”;
window.adengage_draw_break = 1;
window.adengage_use_image = 1;
window.adengage_image_size = 50;
window.adengage_hide_desc = 0;

Why doesn’t it bug me?  I live alone, have a big TV, a shit load of video games, a small drinking problem, and plenty of alcohol.  Its basically taking advantage of a situation where you don’t have to drink alone during the week.  Now onto the bullshit that started this whole rant.

I’ve been telling my buddy Nick to dump this whore girlfriend of his for months.  She was super hot and super young.  I knew from the start she was a little pig.  Of course he didn’t listen to me and a few months later I get a phone call from him telling me that hes engaged.  “Good job retard”, I thought to myself as I congratulated him.

A few weeks later he catches her cheating, indirectly.  Although he didn’t see her in the act, he did see a text message from her ex saying “I’ll be sure to shave down there before you come over” or something along those lines.  Trying not to laugh, I put on my serious face.  It was time to drop some knowledge about women…

All woman are whores.  The sooner you accept the fact that the girl you are dating, is probably getting fucked silly by at least 1 other guy, the sooner you stop giving a shit.  I know I’m going to get a hard time for this so I will explain.  When I say “all women are whores” I am just generalizing and I know there are a few small exceptions to the rule.  I failed statistics so I will not try to give you a percentage.  Instead, I will draw a small pie graph.

graph.jpg

If you’re under 30 years old, why are you in a serious relationship anyway?  Serious relationships lead to marriage, marriage leads to divorce, divorce leads to you losing your house/car/dog.  Now I do know some old people who are still together after getting married at a young age and I tip my hat to them.  Those are rare exceptions.  I’d say the chances of two high school sweethearts staying together at this day in age are…umm…pretty fucking slim.

Seriously though.  Do you really want to marry the chick you’re with right now?  Lets fast forward 40+ years.  That’s the last axe wound your wiener will ever see for the rest of your life.  Then while shes on her death bed, and you can no longer get it up, she’ll hand you a list of how many dudes drilled her while you were away on buisness. 

Don’t you dare try to counter me with “but I love her” either.  Saying “I’m in love” is another way of saying “I’m a pussy”.  You can choose to play dumb or you can take it for what it is. 

This isn’t 1952 anymore and the modern day woman is becoming more and more like a man.  The only difference being that a man doesn’t have that same constant crave for attention.  Tell me the last girl you were with didn’t have a higher number of partners than you.  If she tells you a number less than 10, you do what I like to call “girl math”.  Just multiply that number by 3 and you’ll have a round a bout number of how many flesh rockets shes been stuffed by. 

Stop crying.  You’re chick is grinding up on random dudes at the bar while you’re at home playing xbox.  Once you’re at the point where you can tell yourself this without getting upset, you’ll be much happier in the long run. 

 If you do find that special someone, you can always hope for the best.  I say expect the worse.  You better be sure to get her 18 year old sisters number before you get too serious.  There’s nothing that says “fuck you” better to an ex, then a giant load on her little sisters stomach.

So there you have it.  Don’t expect much from the girl you’re in to.  If you do, you’ll end up wishing you listened to me.

Lastly, to all of the feminists who I may have offended.  Don’t bother emailing me because my response will be this generic image.

know_your_role.jpg

March 31, 2008 Posted by | Regretful's Blog | , , , | 4 Comments

I think I’m turning into a pussy

pussy

I used to pride myself in how disgusting I was (or thought I was in this case).  I’ve had the internet since 1998.  Since then I’ve seen everything from gang bangs to fisting to gigantic zits being cut open as puss oozed out.  None of this stuff really phased me, and it often got book marked so that I could share it with friends.

In the past 6 months I’ve noticed that this is no longer the case.  It started with 2 girls 1 cup.  I’d seriously rather head butt a butcher knife before I sit through this video again.  I didn’t feel too bad once I started seeing the mass number of reaction videos though.

2 girls 1 cup was then followed up with the BME Pain Olympics.  Yet again, I was forced to look away.  My hat goes off to Joe Rogan who was able to watch the whole thing.

The BME Pain Olympics video was followed by 4 Girls Finger Painting (the sequel to the dreaded cup video).  I think I let this piece of video stream for about 15 seconds until my fingers started mashing the ALT F4 on my keyboard.

At first I thought that maybe the internet smut has surpassed me.  Could this new trend of videos that include shit, vomit, and self mutilation be so extreme that even a twisted guy like me can’t sit through them?

I was hoping that this was the case.  However, last week I rented Jackass 2.5.  I caught myself looking away yet again.  This time it was at the hands of Weeman.

weeman

When this little guy took a dump on Knoxville’s knee, I heard the Chinese food in my stomach say “turn the fuck away from the TV or I’m coming back up”.

Could these new extreme movies and twisted viral videos be too much for anyone to handle, or am I just turning into a pussy?

March 25, 2008 Posted by | Regretful's Blog | , , , , , | 4 Comments