To Serve, Protect, and laugh at you if you’re fat as fuck

Cop rolls up on fat Albert and can’t keep it together when his rolls start hanging out of his shirt.  When I get some time I will make a demotivational poster out of this clip.

Cop Laughs at Fat Guy – Watch more free videos

T-shirt Contest by Busted Tees

Busted Tees is going to be giving next months best submission a free tshirt.  All Regretful Stories and Walks of Shame will be in entered into the drawing starting today.  The dead line to get your story submitted by is May 23rd.  If your story wins, you can choose whatever tshirt you want from the Busted Tees store.

 Click on ‘How to Submit’ when you’re ready to get laughed at.

Parents Weekend

First submission for the “walk of shame” section 

This one is from Sarah (email me if you don’t want me using your name)

————————-

So my roomie and I go to a house party where we proceed to do many, many keg stands, which renders us unable to drive home.  So we crash the night. The next morning we wake up, get driven home, and dropped off right in the center of the school campus a good 50 yards from our dorm.  So we get out of the car and proceed to walk, now it is important to understand what we look like.

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Our hair is disheveled, are makeup is all smeared, we have no sunglasses on, and we are wearing extremely slutty tops, tight jeans, and high heels.  As we stumble back to our dorms we are trying to cover our eyes because the bright sun is not helping our hangover.  As we walk we notice people pointing and staring.  We also notice that there are A LOT of people on campus for a Saturday morning.  We stumble quicker and get into our dorm where we ask the front desk why there are so many people out and about.

Front Desk: It’s parents weekend.
Me: Of course it is………

When Treadmills Attack

Theres nothing worse than a fat, annoying, teenaged girl, whos got a laugh that could bust the windshield out of a 7 series beamer.

Thankfully, we’ve got Treadmills like this to help us keep them in check.

Treadmill Sick of Annoying Girl – Watch more free videos

Fat drunk chicks can make a boring night fun

Our favorite bar was packed, it was after 12am, and we wanted to drink.  We made a judgement call to try the place next door.  Dan grabs us a table right near the entrance and we proceed to get wasted.  I’m thinking to myself this will probably be an uneventful Friday night…then I see “her”.

Some chick dressed in a 70’s outfit is stumbling, dancing, and making out with every single thing that she barrels in to.  Maybe this new bar wasn’t such a bad idea!

What is it about alcohol that makes fat, rhythmless chicks think they can dance?   I took some quick cell phone footage of her dancing in the entrance.  A small line had formed outside, but no one had the balls to push her out of the way.

Drunk Chick – Watch more free videos

Events that take place after this: 

Dan and I convince fat chick to make out with Adam.  We tell Adam that the girl he just kissed has STD’s, and made out with 7 guys before him.  Adam panics and begins washing his mouth out with shots of Vodka.  Tori gives stalker guy her phone number.  We get Adam out of the bar when he starts yelling.  Dan pulls Adam away from cab after Adam says “I’ll fucking kill you” for no reason to the driver.  I take Tori home while Dan sits with Adam for a few minutes in the parking lot.  I get home and receive the following text:

From: Adam 

Dude Im playin chicken with thense mosfos!

Apparently Dan felt Adam was OK to drive.  No worries, the following chat session proves he made it home.

[21:47] RegretfulMorn: will u get mad
[21:47] RegretfulMorn: if i write about you kissing that drunk bitch
[21:47] RegretfulMorn: on regretful morning
[21:48] Adam: Lol
[21:48] Adam: Don’t use my name
[21:48] RegretfulMorn: theres a million adams
[21:49] Adam: You don’t change the names?
[21:49] Adam: You gonna make me look bad?
[21:49] RegretfulMorn: I wingman’d that fat piece of shit for you, the least you could do is let me make a post
[21:49] Adam: Lol
[21:50] RegretfulMorn: I’ll take that as a yes, I got some good pics I’ll show you in a min
[21:50] Adam: She wasn’t that fat….she was fuckin drunk tho
[21:51] RegretfulMorn: I didnt add those dimples on her thighs with photoshop

[22:10] Adam: Oh and I have antiseptic mouthwash in my car…when I drove home I gargled and spit in the street
[22:13] RegretfulMorn: hahaha

Regretful Submission – Shit sheets Kevin

Name: Kevin

Age (at the time): 29

Profession (at the time): Construction Supervisor

Location: Saint Paul

We had just finished a fairly large job so I decided to take a handful of my co-workers out for drinks. Things were winding down and I was about to call it a night when a group of obnoxious drunk girls came stumbling in.  One was trying to shoot pool and fell on her ass, while the other 2 girls cackled like Hyenas.

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That’s when Kristen came over and introduced herself in a very lady like way…

“Hey guys!  Do you know how much skin it takes to cover the head of a penis”?

Dumbfounded we all sort of just looked at each other.  Before we get a chance to speak she says:

“About this much!” and stuck out her tongue.

We all laughed and she went back to her table with the rest of the ladies who had not stopped cackling.

I then made one of the worst judgement calls of my life.  Feeling a bit buzzed I went over to their table and insisted that they come have a drink with us. 

A few pitchers of beer later I decided again that it was time to go.  This time Kristen asked me if she could get a ride home.  Apparently her friends were being slutty and she just wanted to get out of there.

Three minutes into the drive Kristen explains to me that her house is very hard to find in the dark.  Taking that as my Que I let her know she could stay the night at my place and I would take her home early.

We get to my place and I mix up a couple of screw drivers.  Before I know it we’re in my bedroom doing the deed.  I kept telling myself to reach for the condom bowl but I was wasted.  Thankfully I didn’t last long and was able to successfully place my DNA on her stomach.

We both passed out not saying much.  We were both super hammered.  Around 4am I awake to a foul smell, and Kristen is no where in site.  I look over at her side of the bed and see a giant brown spot.  This makes me gag and I hurl myself into the laundry room.  Here I see Kristin in a towel over the washing machine. 

 Me “What the fuck is going on here”

Kristen “I had an accident”

Me “Jesus Christ”

I planted myself on the couch where I pass out until about 11am.  Kristen was no where in site and my bed was stripped.  I could not believe that I just had intercourse with someone who left a mud painting on my bed. 

Over a week goes by and still no word from Kristen (thankfully).  My mom had come by to drop off some tools that I let her borrow.  I told her to place everything in the laundry room and I would sort it later.  Then I hear my mom shriek

“Kevin what in gods name is…”

I ran to the laundry room only to see my mom holding up a pair of panties with a coat hanger.  The panties were brown and covered in dry shit.  They were also completely stiff. 

My mom looked at me in shock and said “what in the hell kinda girls are you bringing here”.

I’ve never been more ashamed in my life.

Weekend Video Vault 4/5/08

Slim pickins this week in world of viral videos.

380, the new 360

Biker Nails A Perfect 380 – Watch more free videos

Your mama

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Airhorns are cool

Airhorn Prank Causes Wipeout – Watch more free videos

Relationship Advice Part 2

So some buddies and I went drinking the other night and the whole cheating whore topic came up again.  Luckily one of my friends had a sidekick so I told them to pull up my relationship advice blog and read it.  I really didn’t feel like explaining why women were whores at a high decibel, especially since we had a few tramps eye balling us within spitting distance.  I may be an ass sometimes, but I’m not dumb.

So my buddies read the article via sidekick and I felt it was time to move on.  My balls weren’t going to lick themselves and I still saw the two tramps giving us glances.  Just as I’m about to head in their direction one of my buddies begins to speak…  He then asked me the most common, yet retarded question of all time.  Every guy asks this question at one point in their life.  The conversation went something like this.

“So I get that all woman are whores but how come they always go for the asshole?”

 Me (in shock) “Are you kidding me right now with that?”

It was time yet again to drop knowledge like a sledgehammer.  I think Dick Masterson said it best when he explained “You can’t be mad at a dog for wagging his tail and knocking over your drink, just like you can’t be mad at a woman for being a woman.”  I’m not sure if that’s the exact quote but its close.  If you scour through his website (www.menarebetterthanwomen.com) I’m sure you’ll find it.

Back to my point.  The term asshole (when women are describing guys) is short for “the guy that doesn’t pay attention to me”.  If I were to follow a girl around spitting in her face, then yes I would be a true asshole.  However, if I were to ignore the girl that I was dating (ie: not return a text, phone call, or email) I would not consider myself an asshole.  I would consider myself someone who had something more important to do. 

This is really easy enough for a second grader to understand.  If you do not show a girl attention, she will be more attracted to you.  You don’t have to treat her like dirt, or piss in her face either.  Make time for her on your terms, (like when you want to get laid) not hers (like when she wants to go out for dinner).  Again, this is not being an asshole, its you making time when its convenient for you.

Lets check this out from the flip side.  You give a girl the attention she wants (take her to dinner, buy her things, answer your phone the second she calls).  Quickly she will notice that she gets attention from you whenever she wants it.  This will lead to her becoming bored.  She will then have you by the balls and start chasing after another guy who does not give her the attention that you do.  Do these excuses sound familiar?  Last minute ‘case of the flu’, ‘relative in town’, and ‘extremely tired’ are just another way of her saying “This other guy who never gives me the time of day is actually going to let me come over so he can fuck me silly”.

I’ve grown fond of drawing graphs in paint, so I made another one.

As shown in the figure above:  When the black line that demonstrates attention begins to raise, you will see the interest from the female begin to fall.

Yea it sucks, deal with it.  Learn to give less attention and you will go from the chaser to being chased.  When you think its time to drop guard, don’t.  Women don’t use logic.  You don’t have to name call or get pissed.  Just feel sorry for them and their inferior ability to determine whats good. 

You’re welcome.

Side note:  I really need to stop giving these motivational speeches when I’m trying to pull girls.  It gets the guys far too amped up, and they will become cock blocks by accident.

This weeks Regretful Submission

Name: Rob

Age (at the time): 25

Profession (at the time): Golf Course Maint

Location: Tampa

Set the scene. Friend of a friends vacation house in S.Carolina

I got talked in to taking a road trip up to South Carolina a few summers ago.  My friend Matt’s old college roommate invited him up the coast to his dad’s new vacation house.  This guys dad was pretty loaded.  He had sold his company and pretty much spent all of his time going on vacations with a girl that was young enough to be his daughter.  Matt told me that this was just one of two vacation homes that he owned and it came with the works.  Lake front view, fishing boat, jet ski’s etc.  This got me excited and I was ready to commit.

We loaded the coolers and hit the road.  This was pretty uneventful but we made damn good time.  I drove for the first half and Matt did the rest.  Four wrong turns and one twelve pack later we finally found our way to the house.

I was under the assumption that there would only be a handful of us at the house for a weekend of boating and fishing.  Upon pulling into the gravel driveway, I thought to myself this was no longer the case.  There were about 10 cars parked on the side of the road and people with beer cups standing around.  We grabbed our bags and headed inside where we eventually met up with the Derrek (Matt’s roommate and the son of the guy who owned the house).  He explained that the house usually gets packed like this on weekends, much like that movie “Weekend at Bernie’s”.

I quickly grabbed a cup and began to mingle.  I don’t remember much of that night but I’m sure it was a blast.

The next day the 3 of us load into the boat for some fishing on the lake.  Derrek explained that we would probably have a big crowd at the house again tonight, but would need to keep it more low key.  His dad and girlfriend would be arriving and probably didn’t want their house full of drunk college kids that night.  We didn’t catch any fish that day but some girls in a boat buzzed passed us flashing their goods.  This made my day.

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Around 9pm we were all out on the deck when the house started to fill up.  Derrek’s dad was no where in site so we figured he may arrive in the morning instead.  This was a bit of a relief to me because it meant I wouldn’t have to keep my composure.  Then shit started getting crazy…

I remember seeing a fist fight, topless girls kissing, and some douche bag jumping off of the roof all within 15 minutes of each other.  I headed back to the room where I was staying.  I had some AC/DC cd’s in my bag and I was getting tired of listening to the top 40 garbage they had been playing all night.

This is where I spotted Kim.  She looked like she was a bit older than me, maybe even mid 30’s but she was as hot as they come.  She wasn’t dressed like the other girls either.  She had the “I just got out of a business meeting and now I’m ready to fuck” look.  We started talking about music when I told her I wanted to spice up the current play list.  This girl knew her shit.  She even argued the point that Led Zeppelin was better drinking music than AC/DC.

I went to the kitchen and grabbed us a few more beers so we could continue our music discussion.  Kim looked at the beer I handed to her, laughed, and said “hold on”.  She came back with a bottle of Tequila, lime juice, a salt shaker, and two plastic cups.  This was the most fun I’ve ever had doing shots! 

Then I asked her if she had ever done body shots.  With a smirk she said “Do they go anything like this”?  We both did a shot when she squirted the lime juice in my mouth, grabbed my head, and kissed me.  From there it was lights out.  If I didn’t know any better I could have swore I was at the bottom of a Burger King ball pit.  She was scratching and biting like a first grader.  It was still great and I would do it all over again in a heart beat.

The next day I wake up to Matt telling me to come eat breakfast.  I head over to the kitchen where I see Derrek and his dad already eating.  Apparently he had slipped in last night and I didn’t even notice.  I introduce myself and sit down for some awesome looking pancakes.

Then I hear Derrek’s dad say “Hi hun, have you met Derrek’s friends”?  I turn to my left, only to find Kim looking at me.  I was horrified.  I played dumb after introducing myself and kept my head down.  I thought that Derrek’s dad would pull a shotgun on me any minute.  6 hours ago I was raw dogging the hosts girlfriend, and now I was eating breakfast with the both of them. 

It was definitely one of my craziest nights.  Luckily everyone was oblivious to what had happened until I told Matt the story on our drive home.

Relationship Advice

In the past month or so I’ve had 3 of my friends come to me with the exact same sob story.  All 3 times, I’ve given the same piece of advice.  I decided to put it in writing because I was starting to feel a bit like a broken record.  Despite what you may think, it doesn’t bug me when a fallen brother has to come over and vent about how much of a whore his ex-girlfriend is.

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Why doesn’t it bug me?  I live alone, have a big TV, a shit load of video games, a small drinking problem, and plenty of alcohol.  Its basically taking advantage of a situation where you don’t have to drink alone during the week.  Now onto the bullshit that started this whole rant.

I’ve been telling my buddy Nick to dump this whore girlfriend of his for months.  She was super hot and super young.  I knew from the start she was a little pig.  Of course he didn’t listen to me and a few months later I get a phone call from him telling me that hes engaged.  “Good job retard”, I thought to myself as I congratulated him.

A few weeks later he catches her cheating, indirectly.  Although he didn’t see her in the act, he did see a text message from her ex saying “I’ll be sure to shave down there before you come over” or something along those lines.  Trying not to laugh, I put on my serious face.  It was time to drop some knowledge about women…

All woman are whores.  The sooner you accept the fact that the girl you are dating, is probably getting fucked silly by at least 1 other guy, the sooner you stop giving a shit.  I know I’m going to get a hard time for this so I will explain.  When I say “all women are whores” I am just generalizing and I know there are a few small exceptions to the rule.  I failed statistics so I will not try to give you a percentage.  Instead, I will draw a small pie graph.

If you’re under 30 years old, why are you in a serious relationship anyway?  Serious relationships lead to marriage, marriage leads to divorce, divorce leads to you losing your house/car/dog.  Now I do know some old people who are still together after getting married at a young age and I tip my hat to them.  Those are rare exceptions.  I’d say the chances of two high school sweethearts staying together at this day in age are…umm…pretty fucking slim.

Seriously though.  Do you really want to marry the chick you’re with right now?  Lets fast forward 40+ years.  That’s the last axe wound your wiener will ever see for the rest of your life.  Then while shes on her death bed, and you can no longer get it up, she’ll hand you a list of how many dudes drilled her while you were away on buisness. 

Don’t you dare try to counter me with “but I love her” either.  Saying “I’m in love” is another way of saying “I’m a pussy”.  You can choose to play dumb or you can take it for what it is. 

This isn’t 1952 anymore and the modern day woman is becoming more and more like a man.  The only difference being that a man doesn’t have that same constant crave for attention.  Tell me the last girl you were with didn’t have a higher number of partners than you.  If she tells you a number less than 10, you do what I like to call “girl math”.  Just multiply that number by 3 and you’ll have a round a bout number of how many flesh rockets shes been stuffed by. 

Stop crying.  You’re chick is grinding up on random dudes at the bar while you’re at home playing xbox.  Once you’re at the point where you can tell yourself this without getting upset, you’ll be much happier in the long run. 

 If you do find that special someone, you can always hope for the best.  I say expect the worse.  You better be sure to get her 18 year old sisters number before you get too serious.  There’s nothing that says “fuck you” better to an ex, then a giant load on her little sisters stomach.

So there you have it.  Don’t expect much from the girl you’re in to.  If you do, you’ll end up wishing you listened to me.

Lastly, to all of the feminists who I may have offended.  Don’t bother emailing me because my response will be this generic image.